The thing about advice

It's during one's darkest moments and most difficult times that the support of a friend, a beloved family member or simply the support of a person they can fully trust with their deepest emotions and thoughts is the most needed. And because these moments of raw vulnerability are few and delicate, here are a few things to consider before sharing your deep knowledge of how the world works with the person who is struggling.

1) Sometimes they don't need your advice.

Surprising, I know.

Actually, they don't need neither your advice nor your perspective on their problem; and they certainly do not need your own experience with something close to what they're dealing with. People have the astonishing capacity to know what's best for them, even if they can't fully understand it at the moment. And that's why you owe it to them to be extremely careful with the words you use, the tone of your voice and the solutions you have to offer like the great person you think you are.

There's a high possibility that the person who has opened up to you about something that is stressing them out knows exactly how to handle it, but despite that knowledge, they still want to talk about it just to get it out of their mind. And because of the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings they're experiencing at the moment, your attempt to advise them can actually be disastrous; it can distort their knowledge of what to do and make them doubt the thing they'd been secretly thinking to do.

You should never underestimate the power of people to solve their problems by themselves. You don't always need to share your opinion and you don't need to recall that time in your life when you were in the exact same position. Most of the time, people just want to be understood, not advised.

2) Unless you've truly listened to the person who opens up to you, you can't have an objective opinion on the matter.

I don't mean to discredit your thoughts and ideas, but understanding the problem doesn't mean that you understand the mindset of the person who deals with it as well. And since emotions are perplexed by nature and have nothing to do with mathematical equations, before you present your solutions to the other person, you have to make sure that you have at least tried to figure out the root of the problem, which usually is internal.

To achieve something like that, it's important to put aside your personal beliefs and brilliant theories about life's obstacles and actually listen to what that person has to say. Listen because you care about what they have to say, not because you have to come up with an endless list of solutions and inspirational quotes to prove yourself a worthy friend and an enlightened individual. Listen because you might as well realize the inadequacy of your theories and figure out that there is a thing called real communication that is way better than just two monologues that go on and on forever but never meet each other somewhere in the middle of the road.

Ask them questions because you truly want to know the answers. And if by listening to these answers, you find something crucial, something that could help them, then go ahead and say it.

But make sure you listen. Make sure you don't turn their problems into a reminiscence of your past struggles or a heroic speech about moving forward.

Just listen. That's enough.

3) Base your opinion on their story, not yours.

The opinions you have established over the years of trying to figure out the key to a balanced life do not always apply to everyone. You've created certain belief systems because you needed to find a way to deal with the inevitable chaos of life. But what works for you won't work for everyone else as well. Your opinions aren't universal truths that will magically save every single person who is struggling. What you think is right for you might be detrimental to someone else.

Here's an example:

Let's say someone tells you that they're really stressed out about an exam and even though they have studied enough, they don't feel like they're going to ace it. So you tell them to calm down because they're capable of achieving whatever they have set their minds to and that they shouldn't doubt themselves, right?

Isn't that motivational? No.

Because what they truly said to you is that they're afraid of failure and what you replied to them is that there is no doubt that they'll succeed. That seems the right thing to say. But why are they so afraid of failure?

Because they don't want to let down the people who believe in them, because they want to prove to the world that they're enough and the list goes on and on. Thus, by telling them that there's no chance of failure, you actually increase their fear of failing, because if they do end up failing, they're going to let you down as well.

Just because you had needed that kind of encouragement at some point in your life doesn't mean that everyone needs that kind of encouragement as well.

Think before you speak your mind. Understand that everyone's story is different and what works for you might not work for them. It's that simple. You just need to accept the complexity of human nature and then, everything else will fall into place.

Just listen and for once, open not only your mind but your heart as well.

*These can also be the reasons why the opinions of others don't actully matter that much.

** Also, feel free to tell me your opinions as well. I don't want to pretend that I know everything and that whatever I post is right. I'm always up for a debate.