Victimhood and responsibility

I think it would be wise to start off this article by making clear that being a victim isn't the same thing as considering yourself a victim. Sometimes, these two things can be indistinguishable, because if you're the victim of whatever kind of abuse, it is only a logical subsequent that you are going to consider yourself a victim (or maybe not). But it is when you consider yourself the victim of every unpleasant and undesirable happenstance that presents itself into your life, that you may start adopting a victim mentality.

I hope it's obvious that going through the different phases of your life considering yourself the victim of every unlucky event can be one of the greatest forms of self-destruction. But in case it isn't, here's why playing the victim is not a great way to live your life:

1) Constantly considering yourself the victim will not make you tougher.

It will make you miserable.

There is a universally accepted truth that alongside the grandiosity of life comes a great dose of suffering and chaos. You can't successfully battle the darkness, if all you ever do is complain about it. And don't get me wrong, when something is unfair, it is reasonable and natural to get mad, annoyed, downhearted, etc. But constantly blaming others for the obstacles in your way is actually an effective way of making yourself believe that you cannot successfully face any challenge, and accept any kind of responsibility for your own mistakes.

If you're constantly threatened by whatever catches you a little off guard and you don't take any steps forward to actively change the sequence of these unpleasant events, there is a high possibility that you'll end up being fragile.

The thing is that you won't go very far in life by staying this way. You need to have thick skin, you need to consider yourself able to overcome most of the setbacks you'll face in life (because most of the time they are survivable). But if you sit around all day, blaming for each and every one of your failures someone else—or even the political system, God, fate, etc.—then you actually give them the power to control your life. Yet when that happens, when you give them full control over your life, in reality you're not able to blame the system, your family, your past, your teachers, your peers for your darkness, because you were the one who let them rule over your life in the first place.

After some point, people will do to you whatever you allow them to do. You don't always get to decide their behavior toward you, but you get to set the boundaries, you get to fight back. And by blaming them, by blaming life without taking action, nothing like that will ever be achieved.

2) It damages the relationships you form with the people around you.

When you consider yourself the victim of the story, you also start considering almost everyone who doesn't treat you with the care you need as a threat. Words with no intention to hurt become harmful, conversations that don't revolve around your own perspective on controversial topics become insufferable. You start picking up at every single detail, analyzing it and distorting it into something completely else, into something that will make you appear the victim of that story as well.

When you consider yourself the victim, you also become accustomed to paying too much attention to yourself and thus, ignoring the fact that not everything revolves around you. Becoming self-centered can have a negative affect on the quality of your relationships with others, and with the quantity of them—why would someone want a friend who just talks about themselves and their hardships anyway?

You can live immersed into your misery for however long you want to, but when others start walking away, they will not be the ones to be fully blamed for the ruination of the friendship, relationship, etc.

You may be wondering now what's the antidote to victim mentality. Responsibility. Responsibility is one of the most effective antidotes to victimhood.

1) Responsibility and thoughts/feelings.

The thoughts you make on a daily basis affect the way you feel, and the way you feel affects the way you behave. To change the way you feel about life means to change the way you think.

And yes, thoughts provoke feelings, because feelings are the result of mental representation. Feelings last as long as you keep thinking about whatever generates them. On the other hand, emotions are usually not the product of consiousness, and last only a few seconds or minutes. That said, emotions can provoke thoughts, which can lead to pleasant or unpleasant feelings. But only feelings can follow you throughout your whole day and affect your life.

So, if you want to apply to your day to day life the truth that almost every choice you make comes down to you and only you, you can begin by silencing the thoughts that come creeping in about the way others will react to the decisions you're about to make.

Replacing the destructive thoughts doesn't mean that you're avoiding them, and that you're weak by doing so. It means that you are the one in control, not them. And if they persevere and you can't ignore them anymore, fight them. Do not argue with them, do no start a dialogue or a debate because they will always find a way to outnumber you. Do not give them the privilege to exist. Say stop, and then do something to take your mind off them.

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't allow yourself to think negatively, that you shouldn't allow yourself to feel threatened and anxious and afraid. What I'm saying is that you have to keep track of how far these thoughts go. If you find out that they manifest into unpleasant feelings that follow you throughout the biggest part of your day, of your week, of your life, then it would be wise of you to take action and try to control them.

2) Responsibility and personal problems.

Becoming aware of the thoughts that lead you down to that miserable pit of blaming and playing the victim is not the easiest thing to do. Sometimes, there are problems that can't be solved just by changing your thoughts. It is your responsibility to acknowledge their existence.

And as much as self-help books, articles and videos can seem lifechanging, they are just books, articles and videos. They hold wisdom that may apply to many, but may not apply to you. There's nothing wrong with them and there's nothing wrong with you for not being able to incorporate their rules into your life. Instead, reach out to someone. Talk to someone (therapist, friend, family, whatever). Because problems can't stay in your way forever.

Maybe you weren't the one who caused them, or maybe you were. But nonetheless, it is your responsibility to try to fix them. It takes time and effort and will and patience. But they're not permanent. They're not invincible. And you can't expect to enjoy life, if you're constantly thinking about everything negative.

3) Responsibility and relationships.

I'm sure you've heard this a million times before, so I figured that hearing it once again wouldn't hurt. We are humans. We are social creatures. We need that comforting sense of belonging somewhere, of having someone we can rely on, of having someone who can understand us. It doesn't matter if the amount of people you consider the closest to you is big or small; it doesn't matter if you have seven people you trust, or one. Normality is not a point, but a span of colliding differences.

If something about the people you are close to feels off, if you're second guessing the importance of those bonds, then you are free to let them go. By doing so, you are the one choosing who stays in your life and who doesn't, who makes you miserable (not only because they're toxic or whatever label you put on them, but maybe because you aren't valuing the same things) and who doesn't.

If you want to talk about something just to get it off your chest, go ahead and talk to someone you trust. Then, you won't have to carry the burden of that problem alone, and have another excuse to consider yourself someone with no one around to help them.
And if you feel like you don't have anyone to trust, think again. And if the answer is still negative, why is that so? Maybe there's something you need to change in the way you approach relationships; maybe you need to find new friendships; maybe you don't even feel the need to share your deepest thoughts with anyone, so you can just forget what I said.

If someone has only ever brought you down, cut them off your life. And if you can't, don't share every little detail of your personal life with them. Not everyone deserves to know everything about you, and as a result, have an opinion about you.

Responsibility is found in acknowledging who you want in every phase of your life, and who you don't. By doing so, the notion that your family, friends, partner is to be fully blamed for your misery will fall down as well, because you will have stopped giving them the power to dictate your life's choices. Responsibility is found in communicating your needs with the important others in your life. By doing so, the notion that you are completely alone---and thus, a victim---will also begin to crumble, because you'll discover that you aren't alone.

Finally, I want to say that nothing is as simple as an article, a video, or a post on Instagram makes it seem like. You can't expect your life to change just because you read something mildly inspiring. And you can't expect an article to fully resonate with your current situation.

Happiness is not found on the Internet.
Answers to your unique problems, thoughts and feelings are not found in oversimplifying articles.