Why we need to accept our dark side

There is something to be said for the resilience and perseverance of the darkest traits of our personality, the parts of ourselves we desperately try to hide from the world, ignore or change for the better. There is also something to be said for the inevitable existence of darkness, chaos and destruction; for the fact that they can't be destroyed or somehow cease to exist.

Because of the tricky nature of our dark side and the way it can easily turn to something disastrous, we often tend to avoid dealing with it or we try to conceal it and turn it into something good.

Some of our darkest traits can be jealousy, arrogance, competitiveness, insecurity, sadness, rage. It's normal for us to want to cover them. After all, they can only harm the relationships we form with the people who mean the most to us, our lives and, eventually, ourselves. But that's only if they're perfomed at their most extreme level. And, oftentimes, they're not.

So here are the reasons why accepting our dark side is neccessary:

1) Because it's part of us and if we throw pieces of ourselves away, we'll end up broken.

The philosophy of constant positivity is actually a state of permanent hypocrisy. There's nothing wrong with experiencing feelings that are not so pleasant, not so acceptable and do not make us look like the person we want to present ourselves to be. We are not our feelings. We are not our darkest parts and that's because they are just parts; they do not hold the power to paint our whole image.

By pushing them aside, putting a blanket over them and locking them forever in the most unreachable room of ourselves, we are not gaining anything. Instead, we're just losing parts of ourselves; dark ones, but still pieces of our identity.

No matter how hard we try to hide them, we'll always fail. Sooner or later, they'll come back; stronger, fiercer, darker this time. And that's when the actual trouble begins. They start to define us when they gradually affect our behavior and every other aspect of our lives as well. In order to avoid that, it's better not to hide them and suppress them in the first place.

2) Because life is chaotic and the world is cruel.

Probably, you've already figured that out by now.

But let's make a distinction here. There are some parts of ourselves that make us feel intense, chaotic, flaming (e.g. anger, jealousy, competitiveness) and others that make us feel low, drained of energy, lonely (e.g. sadness, insecurities, self-doubt).

We need the first ones in order to set boundaries, to prevent others from stepping on us all the time, to defend ourselves and stand up for what we truly believe in. Otherwise, the world would just deem us harmless (and we can't survive if we're harmless). There's a reason behind anger, a reason behind jealousy and most of the times, these feelings illuminate the truth behind toxic relationships and unfair situations. Maybe by understanding and accepting these feelings, we can move forward and confront the madness that will always find a way to creep in our lives.

We also need the second ones because, as I've already mentioned, the world is cruel and we do not need any more cruelty. If we make peace with the feelings of loneliness, sadness and fear, if we do not let them define us and take hold of our lives, we'll be able to live and thrive in spite of them and show more compassion and kindness toward others. And that's a great weapon against cruelty.

3) Because if we treat them properly, we'll develop a backbone.

I'll talk from personal experience now. I could say that I'm judgemental, selfish and a perfectionist. But if I wasn't judgemental, I wouldn't be thoughtful. If I wasn't selfish, I wouldn't believe that I deserve to walk away from anything that has only ever brought misery into my life. If I wasn't a perfectionist, I wouldn't have achieved half of the things I've achieved at this point in my life. And if I hadn't rationalized, accepted and controlled these parts of myself, I would definitely be someone no one would want to have around.

The key to living with our dark side is to learn to tune down a bit the frequency of our not-so-pretty traits so that they won't turn out to be harmful to others and to ourselves. It's not only okay to allow them to exist, it's vital to do so. We can work with them, accept them and use them in our favor instead of running away from them. What it's not okay to do is let them have total control over our decisions, our choices and our behavior.

Our dark side is necessary to exist so long as it does not turn into something monstrous and destructive. And if we give it enough space to breathe and at the same time control it in a healthy and mindful way, then we'll find out that it wasn't so dark after all; at least not in the way we tend to perceive darkness.

Darkness is not only destructive. If accepted, nurtured and controlled, it can can be powerful.